Haircut Wisdom

I got a haircut the other day but did not understand what happpened until I slept on it!

The barber did not ask me  how I wanted my hair cut; he went ahead and cut my hair and beard and made me look exactly like him!  When I looked in the mirror, I realized he did not honor my requests to cut it the way I wanted, but he cut it to suit himself!

Good grief!

What is that abou?

Do we do that with others?  Do we shape them in OUR image, or do we allow them to express their own individuality and to become what they want us to be?

Today I believe I willl cut the rest of it to be how I want it to be…maybe this sounds strange, but did we not at one time talk about how one ought to take “the road not taken, to find his/her own way in life?” 

Some of the most extraordinary people in this life find their own way, find their own “path with a heart:”  If I direct you to find MY path, then am I doing you any real favor?  What about YOUR dreams, YOUR sense of what is right or wrong…what is that all about?  In my way of thinking, if we have the serenity to accept what we cannot change, the courage to change what we can – and, more importantly – the wisdom to know the difference, then we ALL win.

The concept of :”paying it forward” (to my way of thiinking) is that in a nutshell., 

When I look at some people who are living in this world, some (and not all) have had the ability to help others shine, to be “all that they can be” and to do so in response to a higher directive, a sense of right and wrong…to honor boundaries or the place where I stop and you start.

If I go across that line and get into your face, tell you what to do with your life, how am I doing you a favor? 

The most brilliant men I’ve read about have done that and are doing that:  helping people to find their dreams but coaching them (as “mentors, perhaps) to follow a path with a heart that is intuitively and morally appropriate,.

This world may seem at times to be a terrible mess, but I do believe in my heart that it will cone around and will find what we call “harmony.” 

We have the tools and technology to fix darn near anything and to do it better the next time if we only learn from our mistakes and perhaps listen to a bit of coaching from sonebody who has “been there, made mistakes and learned from them.”:

Our children are our hope for the future,.  Oe good old boy (Kahlil Gibran) said that “our children are our arrows into the future.” 

I believe that with all my heart and soul today.  I believe in finding the one right partner for us in life (a :”soul mate”). 

I do not believe in changing partners in life every so often just because it suits our needs to have a prettier partner.  Beauty is and always will be that which comes from the heart…the way I see it, your skin color is just that…only “skin deep.”

If you are black, green, yellow…whatever your “skin clothes” happen to be, so what:  I see a black person as only having a better than than I do (grin)…  But maybe that’s not true for you….not yet perhaps. 

I came from Canada and we just have a different way of walking up there in some ways.  We end our statemnents with “eh” in a way that will tell us whether you understood us before we go on.  That’s just how we are “wired,” and maybe it’s a cultural thihg,for Canadiens, but so be it.

I’ve studeied the careers of some extraordinary people and have come to the conclusion that we need them…they are our :”point men” (to use military terminhology).. 

Without them to guide a patrol ihno danger, the entre platoon is in jeopardy.  Without people that we have been lucky ernough to have had on our planet in history (and in the present time,m thank God), we are in big trouble.

Robvert Schuller said that “tough times don’t last but tough people do.”  And the cliché of “be all you can be” makes just such inbfinite sense.  But, then, I can only see it from my side of the street – I don’t see some perspectives oithers have but I am cursed (and blessed) with my own perspective).

There is a “higher ground” that I hope to find, hope to be able to encourage some people (youths, in particular) to look at and consider. 

The kids in recovery where I am, particularly the young ladies  these days) are extraordinarily attractive, but that’s neat…but I’m wired different and I am now happy that I am.

Cat Stevens sang that he was :”looking for a hard-headed woman, one to ‘help him do his best.”  And he concludes his song with, “and if I find that hard-headed woman, I know the rest of ny life will be blessed,.:”

I’ve ended a relationship with a lady I;’ve known since the mid-1990’;s – a lovely lady I will always love and cherish the memories of the time we had together, but it is finally time to move on…but I’ve gone through an extended period of being by myself and not being with just anybody…and until I find that certain right person, I’m going to just enjoy loving others – and females – by being “hanky without the panky.”

So that’s what I learned by sitting still and letting another person tell me what was right.  I want to find oiut what is right, but doi so with an eye and intuition directed toward “my higher power” so I know what is right, truly right.

“God, grant me the serenity accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.:” 

If I let my addictions drive me, then I will be forever at their beck and call.  I thiink we need to be our own “gurus” – but, again, how can I tell you what to do and be so sure that I am right and you are wrong? 

I think that certain truths are self-evident, and that type of thihing began this experiment, our Unbited States of America, and I hope and pray we again will find the balance of powers in our governnent (and in ourselves) that will take us forward to our dreams,.

That llne will forever live in ny nenory, :”this is a small step for man but a giant step for mankind..”

Insanity or “Play it again, Sam…?

This morning I found my bicycle vandalized despite being locked up with all manner of locks. I walked to my A.A. meeting at St. Paul’s and I guess I was in a state of shock. When something keeps happening over and over (this is Bicycle Theft No. 4), what conclusion(s) do I need to draw from this?

Feeling sort of run-down in a way, and at the same time feeling that perhaps this incident did not happen “by accident” but maybe it had a reason for happening and, what, intuitively can I learn from it?

A. One of the principal members of my “A Team” is Rusty, and though he doesn’t write much, it’s apparent he’s in trouble financially.
B. Having wandered through my Pandora’s Box of money problems myself, I feel a kindred-spirit relationship with him…our friendship has gone on for many years – and when I’ve been on the skids, he’s always been there for me. I wonder if my experience(s) with the money issue may be of help to him, and perhaps if I adopt the paradigm of “you don’t learn something until you teach it,” a get-together may be indicated.
C. I’m feeling the premonition that I won’t be here on the planet ad infinitum, and it may be time to pull all of this together into a “Life Tapestry” as my beloved Thelma, the “One of a Kind” lady promoted for older folks. And, gasp, when I look into the mirror, I’ve aged!

Today I start teaching somebody with dyslexia, a youngster, at the library. I Googled “teaching a person with dyslexia,” and it outlined a structure for doing it that involved what I think has been the strong suit of mine in “multi-tasking.”

Family Revisited in Letter to Jenny Oct 27

Yeppers, we’re back at it again, it would seem – and I’m delighted that we are!

Busy hands, happy hands, right? Spring cleaning is a ways off for us here in CA, but then again, you are at the other side of the world. I often muse about whether your toilets flush counter-clockwise; what a thing to think about! When I was 12 or 13, I was playing in the bathroom flushing firecrackers down the toilet and getting off on (“getting off” is a slang phrase here) the sound of the firecrackers in the cast-iron pipes. Gee, it sorta sounded like a submarine depth alarm or something. Well, the last firecracker I flushed didn’t make it past the P-trap (part of the toilet essential to keeping smells down under) and I blew the damn toilet up – pieces of porcelain everywhere! Well, if that wasn’t so bad, imagine my expectations when I went upstairs and announced to my mother and father that I had just blown up the toilet!

Mercy me! My dad was terrific – and as cool as a cucumber. He said, “Well, young man, you are going to buy a new toilet out of your paper route monies and learn how to install it! My mom just smiled broadly (in her infinite wisdom). So you can now understand that I have interest in those “water closets” we all need to use! When my brother came back from living in England, he told me that in England the plumbing system is quite different, inasmuch as the toilets are flushed via a water reservoir above the toilet and not by water pressure as ours are. They also use 220 volts for household wiring (twice what we use), and Dave (my bro) joked about how his son, Scott, plugged in a laser printer to the wrong voltage and near blew the darn thing up!

I so wish I hadn’t lost my friendship with Scott in the bipolar rubble. I guess both he and his sister have me painted up as the bipolar black sheep of the family. Both Dave’s kids are a credit to he and his wife, Ruth. Son Scott is now corporate vice-president of Microsoft, and daughter Robin graduated from Duke Medical School and is now in family practice as a doctor. Kahlil Gibran wrote in his book The Prophet, “Your children are your arrows into the future…” and though Dave died in 1997 with pancreatic cancer (nasty), to his credit he did a hell of a great job of parenting his kids.

Dave and I sat down at one of our rare dinners together and I remember our conversation well. I had my contractor’s license then for several years and was making a rather decent go of it, and Dave told me how proud he was of me. As Dave had a dual role in my life, both as an older brother and in a way like a father (or that’s how I saw him). When I attempted suicide in 1973, the guy stepped up to the plate and took care of my finances (in chaos) and visited me regularly in the burn unit. And I remember one comment he made to me with regard to the suicide attempt, “Brother, that was one hell of a dumb thing to do.” As usual, he was right.

It was awkward when I was about to be discharged from the burn unit of the hospital after a long, long stay (burns take so long to heal). The social worker inquired whether Dave and Ruth would be willing to have me live with them while I put my life back together, and the two of them made exactly the right choice by declining to step into that role with me. For a time I was in consternation, a bit angry, but looking back (always 20/20), it was absolutely the right decision. Though I was discharged into a grim board-and-care situation, I needed to be there to realize that, once again, it was time to start from the bottom in order to have perspective – that would not have come via a silver spoon (gratuitous help on the part of my brother & sister-in-law).

And the good wisdom of them as a couple has become part of Ruth’s way of dealing with me. When I was in one of my more destitute phases, I called her and asked her for help, some money. She paused and then told me that she felt it was important for me with my bipolar disorder problems to reach out into the community, and for that reason she declined to help me out. I was so broke at that time, Jenny, that I sold the family Bible to a used bookstore for $50, enough for a pack or two of smokes and food at McDonalds! I told Ruth about it and she arranged to have it sent to her in North Carolina. I mused that by her doing so, she certainly is part of the Guthrie clan insofar as valuing a essential piece of my father’s inheritance to me. I got the Bible, Dave got the grandfather clock – we were to get no money because it was the bellief system of the Guthries that since women had a harder time of it in the workplace than men do, then it was only logical that the women should get the bulk of any inheritance.

Well, I’ve hardly done much in the way of answering your letter but done more of relating family stuff to you! But you have Steve and it seems like (if I hear you correctly). I can recall my hostility towards my own mother – and at age 16, I took it out on her by running away from home for a month and leaving her an angry note blaming her for the divorce and my being 400 miles away from the father I loved dearly. I guess I was direct with anger back then…and I think when I am angry, I’m fairly transparent…it shows. I can remember a disagreement you and I had quite some time ago and I dug in and took a position contrary to yours. But I’m thankful that the truth (or the compromise) ended up that we have our friendship/relationship via corresponding as opposed to the chatting method I’m so comfortable with.

So Steve seems reluctant to seek the advice or counsel of a therapist at this point from what you said. As I’m a proponent of peer-to-peer relationships being often more helpful to people with mood-related or addiction-related issues, I wonder if you have (or Steve has) access to something like that? You mentioned he now has Medicare help…and I don’t know to what extent in your country that would cover outpatient services (here it does not; only inpatient). There is an old saying that, “S/he who has the gold rules…” And when I’ve been down and out and desparate, I do get angry at the system (Bank of America, for one) and also towards my family for not helping. But helping another person financially and in the manner perceived as “rescuing them,” seems to inevitably end up with the “victim” or person rescued feeling angry. There is a paradigm in the codependence arena where the relationship is depicted as triangular. “Codependence” and its variants are confusing, and my family therapy teacher told us that in her opinion, she’d rather avoid “The C word” as it muddies up what happens.

She used the tool known as the genogram, a depiction of the family tree and between elements of the tree, the relationships are shown. What is interesting in using that tool in working with someone, is that things like mood disorders, alcoholism and other behaviors seem to have their origins further up the family tree and then they get passed on in a smilar or perhaps different form. Might that not be true for you and Steve, I wonder? I think you are handling it marvelously, being clear with your boundaries, letting him steer the boat towards his own healing! In an A.A. group yesterday we were talking about sponsorship, what constitutes a “good sponsor.” And when I thought of the many sponsors I have had the privilege of working with, I imagine the icon of a sponsor as being “a lighthouse.” And I mean that in the sense that s/he doesn’t tell the sponsee how or where to find answers but does listen and share with him the reality of where he is, in a way like the lighthouse does.

Well, I got off on a tangent and that sometimes happens when I write to you! Today I was discharged from the hospital and I’ll be staying at the Victory Mission tonight again. My roommate, Sam (who plays the ukelele (sp?) and is Hawaiian) and I have formed a great friendship, played and sang together some – I think we were among the most healthy people in the convalescent hospital where I stayed for, gasp, almost a month and a half! Life took an odd turn with this knee problem, but it gave me ample time to put all my ducks in a row with regard to finances, hospital records and the like – as well as have enjoyed a stable and regular regimen of medications. Adding the lithium back did help to stabilize me…it seems having taken it since 1985, my old body is used to it. Lamictal is a winner as is Wellbutrin (small dose) and Provigil. I’m steady Eddie at this point and intend to stay that way.

Well, sending this off to you and I promise to get more focused on what you’ve written (and I love how you write) and less off on a tangent (but that’s fun, too)!

11-5-09 – The Trap of Disability

The Trap

Let me give you this. And let’s help you get dependent on this. And then let’s get you therapy and counseling with it. And then with the new law, Part D, you will get all the medications you need and want. And let’s get you housing. Let’s give you more than a room but a one-bedroom apartment 5 min from the beach.

Let’s put you through graduate school, and let’s give you student loans in addition to SSDI/SSI. Let’s give you major stressors, your brother dying, the man who raised you after your father, he gets Alzheimer’s and dies also. Your stepmother dies and leaves you almost $100,000. You break up with your girlfriend, she leaves you. Welcome to stress overload.

You act out and get evicted from your apartment. You live in your car and then turn in so it will be repossessed. You volunteer for Habitat For Humanity in a state of mania, and you give them all of your contractor’s tools, everything. You live like a fugitive in abandoned houses on an Army base, what’s left of your belongings are stolen – all family pictures, everyt hing.

1-5-10 – My Story as Related to the Moco Program to Journal

Personal Story

When I moved to Monterey County in 1992, I experienced a nervous episode or bipolar breakdown after moving here with my belongings in a U-Haul truck. The timing was not ideal, not at all. I was hospitalized at Natividad Medical Center and thanks to the intervention by Interim, I went from the hospital to a care facility in Salinas on Soledad Street. The world had stopped spinning and thanks to the hospitality of the Interim facility I was able to put myself back together emotionally so I could take the next step.

I’ve thought that the best way I coulid describe my dilemma at that time was that I had one foot on the boat and another on the dock, a predicament that requires movement one way or the other, quickly. I moved to Pacific Grove into the back apartment of a residence, enrolled and began attending Chapman Univesity in their masters program in counseling psychology.

Monterey County Behavioral Health provided me with group and individual support, case management services and psychiatric care for the management of my bipolar disorder. I maintained stability until I was almost ready to graduate in 1995 – the county helped me at that point as well as did Interim did in providing me housing at their Franklin Street facility in Monterey. I graduated in August of 1995.
Again, I went through a recovery process. It seems to be in my nature to go into crisis and then come back from it. My stepmother said that I reminded her of one of those clowns designed to be pushed over but that would always come back to standing up.

I went to work for Interim as a group facilitator at the Our Voices Community Room in Monterey on Pearl Street. I think one of the reasons I did well at that facility was that I had a dual role: I was the person responsible for the facility and when I led groups or became involved with the clients, they identified with me because I made it known that I was bipolar. Perhaps they felt it takes one to know one, but it worked well for a year.

David Howell was my supervisor during that time and he let me learn and do the group facilitation job with minimal supervision but more in the role of a coach. We worked well together and I was becoming a part of the Interim organization and liked the people in their system. Dave did give me good feedback and he suggested that I did not see the bigger picture of what the Interim system was about.
When I realized I had almost completed my trial work period with the Social Security Disability System, I resigned from Interim to preserve my disability status. Had I continued working there, my understanding was that I would lose my disability bene4fits while working on a part-time job that would not be enough to use to support myself, and additionally, none of the hours I worked for Interim counted towards my internship requirements as a marriage and family therapis intern.

Throughout my time here in Monterey, I have felt a curious type of split emotionally and mentally. By “split,” I mean that on the one hand I was a Monterrey County Behavioral Health client, and then on the other I was performing as an intern therapist. On one side I needed to be sick and on the other I needed to be well. The county health program and the appropriate medications helped me maintain my wellness from when I graduated in 1995 to 2001.

In 2001 I became seriously ill and required hospitalization. According to the Community Health Chief of Psychiatry, I had been medicated in a way to rely on an anti-epileptic medication primarily and on my lithium carbonate secondarily. When the hospital straightened that out, I once again became well. However, until such time as I became sick enough to require hospitalization, my counseling with Family Service Agency of Sallinas was affected negatively and I stopped seeing clients and chose to resign.

It was at t his point I decided to no longer continue as an intern and abandoned my goal of being a marriage and family therapist. Looking back, I think my bipolar disorder and the stressors of being a counselor were not a good fit with one another and it may well have been the best choice to make.

Angry at the county psychiatrist who had made the medication error, Dr. Christopher Kasparek, I chose to no longer work with the county doctor and went to a private psychiatrist instead. With the stressor of abandoning my career goal, I again developed bipolar disorder dysfunction. Interim came to my aid and provided me with temporary housing and then because the timing was right, I moved into a beautiful new apartment complex in Monterey they called Horizons.

To have my healthcare, I went to the Community Hospital Behavioral Health system for counseling and psychiatric management of my bipolar disorder. Life then was a period of good adjustment, to therapy, medications and new goals and schooling in computer repair and maintenance.

However, once again in 2005 and then continuing for an extended time, I was not well. I was frustrated, angry and medications did not seem to provide help. My stepmother passed away and left me a considerable inheritance and I received it and then went into an extreme episode. The money seemed to disappear in my confusion and I was confused and angry and then became delusional (apparently this is a facet of my diagnosis) and was evicted from the Horizon Apartments.

I tried to again find support in the Monterey County Behavioral Health Department. I was out of money, at my wits’ end, fired as a patient from Chomp and self-medicating with alcohol. However, while I qualified previously because I had both MediCal and Medicare, since I had left the system I could not go back to it. It was the law. I was living in my car, delusional, a practicing alcoholic and then went serioiusly into debt on my credit cards (35k). I was destitute and then became homeless.

I lived like a fugitive in the abandoned houses of Fort Ord, sneaking in after dark and living in one or two of the houses I had sort of homesteaded to be homes. I had my belongings in storage but not for long. I volunteered at Habitat for Humanity and in a delusion of generosity I gave them all of my power tools and equipment from 15 years as a contractor, down to the last hammer and nail.

I slept down at the beah, made a hideaway under a tree and would come back to it night after night. I’d get up in the mornings and go to AA meetings downtown, and I credit the friendship of those people that sustained me emotionally, certainly to the extent of helping me not to drink. I stayed briefly in the office and then at the home of a Monterey doctor but I found myself becoming despondent, seriously so, and I was hospitalized at Chomp for treatment and medication.

My temporary housing with the doctor had ended; he was willing to help me with my alcoholism but not in dealing with my mental illness. I wandered the streets and over to Salinas, stayed at the Victory Mission during the cold of winter.

IHELP provided me a way of shelter for 6-7 months. I enjoyed the camaraderie of other homeless men, good food once a day and learned to sleep on hard floors with only a 2″ foam pad underneath.
Interim again tried to help to get me into HUD housing but I was still too lost to pursue their helpful lead at the time. Central Coast Center for Independent Living helped me find the place where I now live, Sherwood Village Apartments, and I have been putting my life back together for a year and a half.

My 2006-2008 period was a time of delusional thinking, hallucinations and seriously poor judgment. Under the 5150 criteria, I was most certainly a hazard to myself and at times to others. However, I did not find myself hospitalized and helped with my recovery; I went it very much on my own, and did not do it well.

2-5-10 – Recap of Past – Letter to Margie (possibly not sent, looks rough)

Hi,

Today I went to Chase Bank, the bank that took over Washington Mutual some time ago. Debbie, my step-sister, mailed me copies of two checks, one written in October of 2002 and February of 2003 for large sums, $47,000 and $44,000. Both were processed by Washington Mutual (the endorsements also indicate the account numbers). The bank representative did a search and learned that since the bank had become Chase, the old records of closed accounts prior to 2005 were destroyed.

Now that I think I’m much more stable and clear-thinking, I have given this some thought. I cannot understand why I have no memories of those monies or what I did with them. The aggregate total is some $93,000. Sometimes psychological disorders and traumas can produce memory loss or amnesia, but I’m writing to ask you to remember what happened in 2003 and 2004 with us. I do remember when my brother died and left me $25,000, I gave it to you to avoid problems with Social Security. I don’t recall the other.

I do not think I’m obsessing about this, I really don’t. I do know that I went through the worst and hellish episode of my bipolar disorder, and in my anger and rage back then I broke up with you – that I remember and regret. I remember pushing you to your limits emotionally – and that I recall, painful as the memories are to remember.

What in the heck did I do with that much money? If I had it in a savings account it would have gained interest which would then have to be declared on my income tax returns but due to the complete loss of all of my records in the nervous breakdown period, I have no way of tracking what happened via paperwork. I had nothing to show for it, no major purchases. The only purchase I recall was the white Honda from Helen that belonged to her friend who died, and then I bought a Volkwagen Camper for $7,000. Those I do recall, so I seem to have selective memories I can remember and the others I cannot.

Debbie did a search of missing property for me – you can do that online and she found three entries for Rod Guthrie, and it turns out one of them is mine for $35 left in a hospital I stayed in back in 1991. I told her about the concern you expressed about this being a stressor, and she said that though she had little contact with me, the inheritance appeared to destabilize me and she knew I was not well, and that’s about as much as she could tell me.

So, I guess I am asking for you to think back and tell me what you recall – I’d like to reconstruct and understand what happened. I think it is not obsession but foolish not to know what happened when the irrational side of me was running the show.

Imagine, I went from having $93k in the bank to a $35k indebtedness – and I am going to file for Chapter 7 bankruptcy, the reasonable thing to do, but I am postponing doing so until I can figure this out.

You are the person in my life that I have been most in love with and connected to at the heart level, and you hung in there with me through so much of the bad times, the crazy times – you have been so incredibly giving in our relationship – I don’t think I’ll ever know anybody like you.

I’m writing this to you and want to give it some thought before I send it. I thought it would be better to lay it all out for you so you can see where I’m at with it, and to give you some time to think about it.

1995 – Graduated from Chapman

Volunteered for crisis line. certificate for 5 years service

1996 – Published website Moods

Asked to stop crisis line

1997 – brother died

1998 – inherited $25k. I moved first into the Franklin St. house and then into the Horizons apartment.

1999 I recall entertaining with yoiu, spaghetti dinners, etc. Marshall was one guest that I recall.
Evaluation with Dr. Ketter at Stanford BP Center

2000 -We traveled to Portland and stayed with Debbie and Steve
Tried Lamictal, skin peeled off back, discontinued.
Seroquel added

2001 – I had the breakdown where I destroyed my diploma, my mom’s taped music and where you and I went to CHOMP and I told you I needed to act crazy to get in and did.

I resigned my internship with Family Service Center,

2002 Our trip to Grand Canyon in the older camper

I studied computer repair at the ROP center,

Therapy with Robin Keeler

2003 – Passed the tests for A+ technician certification
inheritance check #1 for $47k – October

2004 – inheritance check #2 for $43k – February

2005 Rented office at Holistic Elements on Forrest Ave.

2006 I boiught a green Honda Civic, met Miles and taught the kid how to drive
Got evicted from Horizons

Bought a Honda Civic for $2500 and sold it to a car wash guy for $1500. Put trailer hitch on car. Bought 4×6 trailer

Richard Johnson helps me paint my room at Horizons

Put in Formica countertops in bedroom

In therapy with Susan Titus individually and in group. Changed from Dr. Johnson to Dr. Blatt because CHOMP was more reasonable, no copay necessary.

Took overdose of Inderal, ended up in Chomp, fired by Dr. Blatt – medications ended
2007 – Marshall became ill and was hospitalized in a convalescent home in Monterey. I visited hiim and so did you, with me and on your own. His mom came out after he almost died and I helped his mom when she visited, and then offended them both and was no longer welcome at the hospital.

Bought used computers at Last Chance Resale in Marina – idea to donate them.

Took training in male sexual massage at Body Electric.

I bought a used Honda Accord, and older one, just like he had before and had the fantasy that he could drive it using the hand controls on the steering wheel. I sold it to a guy in AA for $250 cash and his wife’s check for $300 or so. The check bounced.

I drank at the Elks Club and used the gym downstairs as a refuge. The Jacuzzi broke and I gave the Elks $2200 cash to get it fixed. My behavior became a source of concern to the Elks management, and I got extremely angry at the lady manager about the cuesticks I had purchased for both upstairs and down. I grabbed a bunch of them and left in a stormy drunken rage. I was asked to surrender my membership.

Marshall gave his computer system to a nurse. I arranged for it to be returned to him, felt it essential for him to connect with the world. I loaned him my Toshiba laptops (one older one and one newer one). He dropped the newer one. The hospital social worker returned on of the two – both were not usuable.

Went to ER at Natividad several times to get meds.
evicted from Horizons in mid-year – purchased green Honda Civic – lived in car and then car was repossessed. I had no money.

2008 – Volunteered with Habitat for Humanity, had no place to store my tools so I left them with Habitat – all of them.

Margie helped me with cash and bought me a cell phone in Monterey.

2009 – Spent 7 months in men’s homeless program, then lived at Dr. Allen’s home in Pebble Beach for 2 months. Hospitalized at Chomp for two weeks.
2010 – now

1-23-10 – Lengthy Email to Jenny – Topics All Over the Place

Prince of Wales, hard to believe the heir to the throne is now 60 years old! Margie and I chatted last night for a long time and she said she could not believe that she is turning 80 in June. And I will turn 64 next birthday in April. I guess it’s all the more reason to get that song by the Beatles about When I’m 64 down by then.

I checked out a few of the “audio books” from our library and I was surprised they are cd’s rather than cassettes like they used to be. Gosh, am I ever old hat. I would think one could check out books on CD and then simply copy the CD’s to blanks. CD’s here are very cheap now, about 20 cents or so each in bulk.

Heat isn’t kind to electronic stuff. I know my computer tends to get warm (the laptop) and I bought a little cooling base for it with whisper quiet fans in hopes I’ll get some more mileage out of my Toshiba No. 1. You know it’s not at all “if” they will go, it’s “when” they will. Chilling thought.

You are way ahead of me with your techno-gadgetry. I have some music on iTunes but most of it on files ripped with media player (and I believe they are mp3-ish). iTunes has some nice features and so does Media Player, especially the new one that comes with Windows 7. As far as your “Arcos” being old, if it still works I’d go with that for some of the gadgetry. But then I don’t know doo-doo compared to some of these kids who text message one another at unbelievable speeds.

As far as TV-type quality goes, both Windows Vista Home Premium and Windows 7 Professional have a Media Center to manage all your music, let you watch internet TV and more. With my $29 TV tune (ATI Wonder), I get high definition TV. My only limitation is my antenna, I get like 4 or so channels clear as a bell and the others are iffy at time. I’m cheap, could buy cable for $20/month but I can’t be bothered. I’d probably be a TV addict in no time.

The Apple people and the PC people are certainly like the classic dualing families, Hatfields and McCoys in our legends. I see some good in both, actually. However, hardware seems to be much less expensive in the Windows world than Apple, particularly because you have to buy the hardware from the Apple folks.

The www.networksalinas.org site isn’t on any search engines to my knowledge. I’ve been putting it together bit by bit and it’s a pasttime right now, fills the void so to speak.

As to writing fancy websites, there seems to be the position that Dreamweaver is the favorite of professionals. I have a hell of a time sometimes with FrontPage and its quirks (it is obsolete now) but I’m used to it by now. I am looking at the new Microsoft product called Expressions. It is purported to have features designed to rival Adobe’s product and I don’t know enough about either to make a comparison. One thing in Microsoft’s favor is that they make their software available to students at incredibly low prices. The Expressions software, for example, is available academically for $29. And that’s what I paid for the academic Windows 7, no foolin’.

Your site looked fine when I looked at it, certainly a plethora of information on your topic.

I may develop a subweb having to do with mood disorders, but that is on the back burner for now. Next week school starts (taking a speech class for the helluvit) and possibly another but I don’t want to overload the old noodle like I did last time with two graphic arts classes – they together were over the line/limit for this old geezer.

As for text around pictures, FrontPage is not great about that feature, and don’t know if Javascript would do it, but the newer features like CSS are not part of it, but are part of Expressions. Hmm.

The inheritance is a mystery still. Margie was helpful with some recollection but we split up in 2004 and I’m blank on what happened after that. She thought I gave some away and I did, $100 to the hospital and $2,000 to the Elks Club to fix a plumbing problem (bit generous of me, wot?), and some to buy a car that was only 600.

I’m not obsessing, but where the heck did $92,000 go? I’m going to the bank where I deposited it to see if they can help me in this. Margie was concerned that I was not well and perhaps looking into it was an indication of this, but I do not think it is. I need to know and think it is only good sanity to look into it and find some answers.

Money burns a hole. Oh, my, does it ever! Since I’ve been living and with much more sanity, I’ve been frugal as can be and managed to save up a small nestegg towards car or something in the future, if not just for a bit of a piece of mind, a rainy day fund.

No, not to Chinese shop yet. Hell, I’m so out of stuff now I have the traditional Mother Hubbard’s pantry now, nary a bit. I need to get to Target rather than munch on Subway sandwiches (fresh, tasty). The happening in Haiti is sure a wakeup call. One needs to have some food set aside for something like an earthquake if it should hit here. The one in 1906 that hit San Francisco was a doozy in the order of magnitude like the one in Haiti. Even though building codes now require much more seismic bracings, a 7 on the scale will be a test supreme.

Losing the 3 inheritances? Pshaw, at least I’m 63 and in good health physically, treading water but doing reasonably mentally, so what’s that worth? Having a quarter of a million dollars and having lousy health – not even close to compare.

Bob Dylan, ha. There is a song that also suggests the same called Me and Bobby McGee. “It was somewhere near Salinas, lord, I let her slip away…and then…freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose…” Having great wealth or great poverty do fuel the proponents of each. An elderly student in the computer room just made an email account (took so long) and she came in last Tuesday wanting to send a letter and piece of her mind to Warren Buffet. It turned out to be a great exercise on how to Google. She’ll become a good Googler before she gets a personal note from Warren.

I’ve wondered whether the restore feature is a way around viruses (virii?). McAfee is okay but if I ever restore my machine because of a problem, I always have to reinstall it, a pain in the arse. However, to its credit, Windows 7 has been extremely good in comparison to Windows Vista. Norton Systemworks was the product I used to use and it was awesome, but expensive to renew and the updating feature is annoying, but with a fast connection, not so bad.

You do sound healthier in the self-esteem department, proud of your accomplishments (rightly so) and beat out your Mensa competition in an area or two. The comparing of ourselves to others is so ingrained in our competitive mentality but so worthless it would seem. But one does need to feel some self-worth, true. It may be unfortunate for some bipolar people who may have a low self-worth sense and perhaps that is what fuels the manias with delusions of grandeur.

They are going along with my request for having a group for people who only have mood disorders instead of the whole 9 yards. The director type guy told me the new plan is to run another group concurrently that would be more appropriate for those not with mood disorder issues. I like that – but tis going to be very slim pickins until things pick up more.

Five weeks, yes, not that far off. Looking forward to it.

You are using Outlook Express? I think it is now obsolete and replaced with Windows Live mail (which I don’t care for). I find the Outlook program lets me manage all my email in a tidy way (that’s my obsessive-compulsive needs talking.

And last, I am so thankful for online banking and getting online statements, it is more greenish indeed. Some people make a career out of coupon shopping but I haven’t gotten into that. But they still send me junk; I wonder why?

10-27-09 – Email to Jenny – Brief bio about Boston, Army Experience, Mescaline Use

It must be nice to have a son (sometimes). At the very least he will carry some memories of you into the future when you’re no longer on the planet. I think it was a little book called The Prophet where he talked about arrows into the future. He had a lot of wisdom packed into that little book; it’s one of the few books I like to think of as “keepers.”

Once in awhile I think it’s entirely okay to splurge and have a nuke-the-diets day, and why not do it up in the most splendid manner possible. I like to carry a bit of extra cash with me as “mad money” in case my urges go from medium to beyond that.

Monday I had an interesting group, got the normally quiet me to be more confrontive than I do normally, and I think it went well and a member’s behavior wasn’t changed, not by a long shot, but he did pause to listen to the feedback. I no longer see the group leader, Thadd, individually and I believe I’ll cruise for awhile on my own. I think I’m doing fairly well in the thinking department with few distortions.
Seroquel is an interesting drug and I really haven’t studied the atypical antipsychotics. I guess resperidal and Zyprexa are two others of them, and Zyprexa is a very weight positive medication. Seroquel does mess with our blood sugars and that needs to be looked at from time to time, but I have been taking it regularly now for a year.

Like you, I’m not sure if I need it for the antipsychotic features, though I remember on my last homeless and manic expedition, I had some disortions of thoughts that were as much connected to the mood disorder as my thinking. A mood disorder is how I llike to describe myself; it feels better to say. Seroquel may help with the part of my disorder that is thought disorder stuff, maybe a fringe benefit. But the main thing I like about the drug is its ability to put me to sleep and soundly.

When I have experienced mania, sleep seems to put me back together. And as I’ve mentioned before, I see Seroquel as sort of an ace in the hole or maybe trump card; take your pick.
I did look again at the research data and comments about the Kindling Theory and you are right, it certainly is not definitely confirmed, at least at the time the article I looked at had to say.
It’s been some time since I’ve been doing the diagnostic stuff and I hear what you are saying about a “broad range of conditions.” Funny, I saw a Jeff Bridges movie on the tube tonight and it had the song “I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.” I’ve always loved that paradox of overviewing oneself as such.

My doctor’s request for Provigil was denied by my insurance company and they gave a rationale that it is off label for treatment of bipolar depression, but they did list the conditions for which it was considered appropriate. I got the diagnosis from the sleep study doctor that gives me a diagnosis of sleep apnea, a covered condition by insurer. So it may take some time, but I’m putting together what I hope is an open-and-shut case.

I don’t see Bob Dylan as a negative; I see and hear him as a gifted poet and philosopher. I have sung Don’t Think Twice with feeling after a relationship has ended. It has a way of putting perspective back where it needs to be to get down the road after a dysfunctional relationship. It may be us on this side, but the line about “I once loved a girl, a child I’m told, ‘gave her my heart but she wanted my soul” just is profound.

The Margie-Rod relationship is not destined to go anywhere and that is a certainty. But we can kibbitz arouind and share points of view, from computers to software to emotional stuff as well. Interesting is we both lament the fact we can no longer travel and wander with the VW camper, Grand Canyon being the high point.

Men as a whole may be more desirous of a relationship permanent than women do, but the ratio of single and divorced women to men is interesting. Here the divorce rate is a tad more than 50%, so somebody on one side or the other is not making wise decisons.

Zinc for hair loss…velly intelesting…I have noticed a bit of hair loss but I have so much of it that it doesn’t show yet. My brother became almost bald and I have kept the hair – so genetically I inherited that good thing along with the bipolar challenge/thing.

After serving for training in the Army, I moved to Boston, Massachusetts chasing after a love relationship who was stationed there after her training. I had a hell of a time there and smoked pot for an escape and several times did mescaline. Both seemed to disagree with me, increasingly so, and I became very inward and withdrawn.

I bought a wrecked VW camper and a usable microbus (no camping feature) and played musical parts and when I left Boston I traved twice across the U.S. in it and it was terrific – what people I met, fantastic. John Steinbeck, one of my favorite authors, wrote a book called Travels With Charlie, about his travels in his pickup/camper with dog and writes painting pictures of the people he met. Wonderful book.

Well, my back is sore and I think I’ll end this here and get to bed, the sandman waits. Thanks again for the pictures, gives me an idea what person you are occupying this time around. I play with the concept of reincarnation and have studied some Eastern religous stuff, but the only life we have for certain is this one, and I still maintain we can make a decent niche in this lifetime.

1-3-10 – Feeling the Fear and Doing it Anyway

Feeling Fear, Doing it Anyway

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Some things go together. I can see how me feeling better about me makes me more able to take a risk and share personal information in a relationship. When you have bipolar disorder and have gone several bouts in the ring with it, you have some history that may be difficult to explain. I’m in the process of knowing you and letting you know me, so when do I risk sharing the not so shiny pearls in my past? It is risky because several times I’ve seen people turn and walk away from a friendship with me, no longer call on the phone, drop out of sight.

I had some lofty dreams of a future time when I had wrestled with bipolar disorder and came out a winner even though bruised here and there. When I came back from the wars with it I saw myself only then becoming a super therapist. I had been there and done that and understood it from the inside – I would be the real deal, the super therapist. In the final scene of this dream I would lock arm in arm with other bipolar recoverers and together and together we would make My dreams were lofty and of a time when I had effectively wrestled bipolar disorder to the mat with success! Then I would come back from the bipolar battlefront with ribbons and maybe a purple heart. And then I would become a great counselor and better work with others in their recovery. Been there done that people are more effective, aren’t they?

Yes, but what if I’m a better cook than a therapist? Look what I cooked up with a recipe for diseaster. The ingredients were perfect for a nervous breakdown supreme. When you mix and stirred together (1) wrong medications (2) stress triggers (3) alcohol (4) and a tendency to tell psychiatrist and therapists to go to hell, the result was – well, what it was.

When you come to my pity party contest, the deck is loaded because I’m going to win first prize with my story. What a journey. I had gone from an intern therapist who was in training to counsel; I was in a healthy relationship with a future; I had bunches of inherited money in the bank, student loans paid and I had the world by a string and felt like I was sitting by a rainbow. What happened? The bipolar monster crashed my party and chewed me up and spit me out. The pitiful part is that I became homeless, without a partner, hungry, broke, and at times sleeping under cardboard when it rained. Some say in order to find yourself you had to bottom out. I did.

I had to start from where I found myself. How could I think of having a romantic relationship until I could afford a mirror to see myself in. I do believe in this, how can I love you when I am not good at loving me? And a relationship, ones that work, seem based on I’m okay and you’re okay. The type where one person rescues the other just don’t seem to do well.

Now that I’m over a year away from my major meltdown, a relationship is more likely but I see that as some time off. I still have work to do on me. If I take a moment to look at my positive qualities, I’m not bad looking, I’m not stupid, I’m not insensitive and I’m not a bad listener. Yes, I’m positive I have some history of which I am anything but proud. What I am doing is working on making better history in the present that offsets some of the other. I realize that when I find someone who cares and I care about, there will come a time when I will let myself trust them and share some of the rest of the story, just enough. If I don’t learn to trust and take risks, being alone doesn’t sound so good. I prefer another outcome.

I’m sure there will be instances where I get rejected, and though they’ve happened before, they are still painful. I wrote this piece when a person asked me after her own rejection, “How much do you tell them or even bother?” It is risky and can be painful, so maybe the answer for me is to feel the fear and do it anyway.

12-25-09 – Fear & Enigma of Merryl

Fear drives avoidance behavior. The flight of fright. Maturity may be feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Fear is looking over the edge of a building and feeling terror. Fear is watching somebody jump out of an airplane and parachute to the ground.

Fear is driving my friend M. She gets frightened and won’t leave her home for days. She sat down next to me while I was tuning a guitar and I asked her assertively to leave me alone. My tone of voice frightened her and she went into withdrawal from our previous friendship. She used to call often and now does not call. She used to email me and I would email her and now she only sent a brief email acknowledging mine and saying that she is having physical problems with her post-polio concerns.

She and I are very much alike in some ways. She seems convinced that bipolar disorder is the basis of her discontent and confusion in life. She is seeing a psychiatrist noted for his expertise in pharmacology, and from what she has shared, she has tried several medications – perhaps many – that have not worked successfully for her.

There is an intensity about her that is unusual. She has a intense eye contact when communicating with me and sometimes I feel a bit uncomfortable. I joke with her. She has a quick wit and the humor is one of the pasttimes we have enjoyed together.

Our commonality is in that we believe bipolar disorder is defining our lives, that the disorder is, and it is keeping us from finding our dreams.