Hi,
Today I went to Chase Bank, the bank that took over Washington Mutual some time ago. Debbie, my step-sister, mailed me copies of two checks, one written in October of 2002 and February of 2003 for large sums, $47,000 and $44,000. Both were processed by Washington Mutual (the endorsements also indicate the account numbers). The bank representative did a search and learned that since the bank had become Chase, the old records of closed accounts prior to 2005 were destroyed.
Now that I think I’m much more stable and clear-thinking, I have given this some thought. I cannot understand why I have no memories of those monies or what I did with them. The aggregate total is some $93,000. Sometimes psychological disorders and traumas can produce memory loss or amnesia, but I’m writing to ask you to remember what happened in 2003 and 2004 with us. I do remember when my brother died and left me $25,000, I gave it to you to avoid problems with Social Security. I don’t recall the other.
I do not think I’m obsessing about this, I really don’t. I do know that I went through the worst and hellish episode of my bipolar disorder, and in my anger and rage back then I broke up with you – that I remember and regret. I remember pushing you to your limits emotionally – and that I recall, painful as the memories are to remember.
What in the heck did I do with that much money? If I had it in a savings account it would have gained interest which would then have to be declared on my income tax returns but due to the complete loss of all of my records in the nervous breakdown period, I have no way of tracking what happened via paperwork. I had nothing to show for it, no major purchases. The only purchase I recall was the white Honda from Helen that belonged to her friend who died, and then I bought a Volkwagen Camper for $7,000. Those I do recall, so I seem to have selective memories I can remember and the others I cannot.
Debbie did a search of missing property for me – you can do that online and she found three entries for Rod Guthrie, and it turns out one of them is mine for $35 left in a hospital I stayed in back in 1991. I told her about the concern you expressed about this being a stressor, and she said that though she had little contact with me, the inheritance appeared to destabilize me and she knew I was not well, and that’s about as much as she could tell me.
So, I guess I am asking for you to think back and tell me what you recall – I’d like to reconstruct and understand what happened. I think it is not obsession but foolish not to know what happened when the irrational side of me was running the show.
Imagine, I went from having $93k in the bank to a $35k indebtedness – and I am going to file for Chapter 7 bankruptcy, the reasonable thing to do, but I am postponing doing so until I can figure this out.
You are the person in my life that I have been most in love with and connected to at the heart level, and you hung in there with me through so much of the bad times, the crazy times – you have been so incredibly giving in our relationship – I don’t think I’ll ever know anybody like you.
I’m writing this to you and want to give it some thought before I send it. I thought it would be better to lay it all out for you so you can see where I’m at with it, and to give you some time to think about it.
1995 – Graduated from Chapman
Volunteered for crisis line. certificate for 5 years service
1996 – Published website Moods
Asked to stop crisis line
1997 – brother died
1998 – inherited $25k. I moved first into the Franklin St. house and then into the Horizons apartment.
1999 I recall entertaining with yoiu, spaghetti dinners, etc. Marshall was one guest that I recall.
Evaluation with Dr. Ketter at Stanford BP Center
2000 -We traveled to Portland and stayed with Debbie and Steve
Tried Lamictal, skin peeled off back, discontinued.
Seroquel added
2001 – I had the breakdown where I destroyed my diploma, my mom’s taped music and where you and I went to CHOMP and I told you I needed to act crazy to get in and did.
I resigned my internship with Family Service Center,
2002 Our trip to Grand Canyon in the older camper
I studied computer repair at the ROP center,
Therapy with Robin Keeler
2003 – Passed the tests for A+ technician certification
inheritance check #1 for $47k – October
2004 – inheritance check #2 for $43k – February
2005 Rented office at Holistic Elements on Forrest Ave.
2006 I boiught a green Honda Civic, met Miles and taught the kid how to drive
Got evicted from Horizons
Bought a Honda Civic for $2500 and sold it to a car wash guy for $1500. Put trailer hitch on car. Bought 4×6 trailer
Richard Johnson helps me paint my room at Horizons
Put in Formica countertops in bedroom
In therapy with Susan Titus individually and in group. Changed from Dr. Johnson to Dr. Blatt because CHOMP was more reasonable, no copay necessary.
Took overdose of Inderal, ended up in Chomp, fired by Dr. Blatt – medications ended
2007 – Marshall became ill and was hospitalized in a convalescent home in Monterey. I visited hiim and so did you, with me and on your own. His mom came out after he almost died and I helped his mom when she visited, and then offended them both and was no longer welcome at the hospital.
Bought used computers at Last Chance Resale in Marina – idea to donate them.
Took training in male sexual massage at Body Electric.
I bought a used Honda Accord, and older one, just like he had before and had the fantasy that he could drive it using the hand controls on the steering wheel. I sold it to a guy in AA for $250 cash and his wife’s check for $300 or so. The check bounced.
I drank at the Elks Club and used the gym downstairs as a refuge. The Jacuzzi broke and I gave the Elks $2200 cash to get it fixed. My behavior became a source of concern to the Elks management, and I got extremely angry at the lady manager about the cuesticks I had purchased for both upstairs and down. I grabbed a bunch of them and left in a stormy drunken rage. I was asked to surrender my membership.
Marshall gave his computer system to a nurse. I arranged for it to be returned to him, felt it essential for him to connect with the world. I loaned him my Toshiba laptops (one older one and one newer one). He dropped the newer one. The hospital social worker returned on of the two – both were not usuable.
Went to ER at Natividad several times to get meds.
evicted from Horizons in mid-year – purchased green Honda Civic – lived in car and then car was repossessed. I had no money.
2008 – Volunteered with Habitat for Humanity, had no place to store my tools so I left them with Habitat – all of them.
Margie helped me with cash and bought me a cell phone in Monterey.
2009 – Spent 7 months in men’s homeless program, then lived at Dr. Allen’s home in Pebble Beach for 2 months. Hospitalized at Chomp for two weeks.
2010 – now
